After ten minutes of deliberation I decided to kick my Blackberry to the curb and pick up a Verizon Droid one fateful day in November.  This article is written with those in mind who own a blackberry, hate it, and are thinking about switching to the droid.

The Great

    As you know there is no real internet on a blackberry. You have the mobile internet bullshit which gives you a cliff note version of websites. The droid on the other hand has real bona fide internet which loads websites slightly faster than a 56k.  I finally feel that I am getting my money’s worth out of my data plan, which I didn’t with the blackberry. Paying an extra forty bucks for blackberry “internet” was a total joke.  You don’t have to pay a cent more for the droid in your monthly plan, but you will end up using 1,000 times more data since the internet is fantastic.

    The droid has a built in google maps application.  You could do everything you can do the internet’s google map, except that this application is significantly better.  Google added something called “google navigation” which is a GPS.  You are getting a 400 dollar GPS included with the droid.  It locks onto your location with amazing accuracy. I know you are thinking I have that app on my blackberry, but you are simply wrong.  The google maps applications would kick the shit out of the blackberry google maps application if they met in a dark alley.

    The applications are pretty cool.  Granted the app store is way smaller than the ICrap app store, but you can still find some cool games and useful apps.

    The droid flawlessly syncs with everything you had used google  from calendar to talk, to  gmail.

The Horrible

    Sometimes you just don’t know how good something is until it’s gone and that’s how I feel about the blackberry’s vibrate.  The blackberry had such a powerful vibrate that I got a tickle down my leg every time it went off.  I am someone who never used ringtones, but with the droid I am forced to.  The vibrate on the droid is horribly weak.  The vibrate is the equivalent of a ninety year old paraplegic squeezing your hand, so basically non-existent.  If you use vibrate you will never feel or hear the vibrate so get ready to be checking your phone constantly and always be missing calls and texts unless you put the ringer on full blast.

    On the droid you can either type on the touch screen or use a pull out keypad.  At first I thought I would only use the keypad for typing.  Wow, was I wrong.  The keypad is atrocious for typing.  Notice the huge pointless button on the bottom right of the droid keypad.  In order to type your thumb has to reach far over it to type.  It feels awkard, slow, and unintuitive to type on the keypad.  The buttons are also clumsily put together. 
That being said, the touch screen isn’t that bad for typing, but it’s not great either.  Typing is so much slower on the touch screen than the blackberry keypad.  That is one thing the blackberry had going for it.  I find myself not wanting to type text messages or emails from my phone anymore.  Even after two months with this phone my typing speed is a fraction of what it used to be.  Also, you need to look at the phone to text. No more texting while driving.  If you even attempt that task you will die.

    Bad doesn’t even begin to describe the battery life on this phone.  After being able to use my blackberry for two days without a charge I was shocked to see how short the battery life is on the droid.  I’d say the battery last about one fourth as long as my old blackberry.  This is not an exaggeration; it’s that bad.  If you are actively using the droid all day it won’t last a full 9 hours.  You have to charge it every time you get in a car or are sitting at a desk.  If you don’t have a car and therefore no car charger, you are fucked.  Don’t get a droid because it will be off more than it’s on due to the battery. It really is critical to always be charging the droid whenever possible. 


Is the Droid for you?

    If you are someone who texts all the time or constantly writes emails don’t get a droid.  You will miss your blackberry keypad far too much.  Texting is slow, tedious, and horrible.  Plus, the battery life is atrocious.  However, if you are someone who has craved perfect internet on a phone, good games, and applicationss then the droid is for you. Anytime you are waiting for something you will have internet or games to keep you more than occupied.  The droid is not as good as an iphone for the one reason that the app store is smaller on the droid, but besides that I think it holds up against the iphone in every regard. The droid is essentially a mini-computer.  The non-phone features is what the droid shines at.  If you have felt yourself suffering from iphone envy, but you are trapped on Verizon get a droid you won’t be disappointed (unless of course you text or enjoy battery life).

        

James, “I know I’m a film legend who can do no wrong” Cameron, brags on and on about how Avatar has been 20 years in the making, cost 500 million to make, and will change moviemaking forever.  All three claims are bullshit. Mr. Cameron believes that if God himself made a movie, it would be Avatar. With these outrageous promises, Mr. Cameron created unrealistically high expectations in the movie viewing public. After finally debuting the Avatar trailer this summer it is obvious why Mr. Cameron kept the details of the movie under wraps. 

Avatar is going to be a bigger dud than all the crap sitting in a waste treatment facility.  I don’t care about the fact he invented new motion capture technology, or that the 3D technology will allegedly be better than ever before.  A movie can have all the bells and whistles in the world, but you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.  If the idea is crap the movie will be crap. 

Bellow you will find the story of the movie Avatar based on a scene by scene dissection of the trailer.

The movie begins with the discovery of some rare mineral on a far away planet which sells for 20 million a kilo.  This super rare mineral is either the best mineral for fuel, construction, or most likely weapons (the humans destroy everything, global warming is bad, war is bad will be evident throughout the movie).  The earth / federation / human government decides they need to take over this far away planet to extract the valuable minerals.  The humans haven’t been to the planet yet and are going to send a force of marines to secure the rare minerals. 

This is where the  protagonist Jake Sully, (the terminator), comes into the film.  He was one badass marine who had won countless medals taking over other planets for their minerals, wiping out other alien races, but lost the use of his legs in the process.  Two men from the government ask him to come out of retirement for one last fight to help secure the minerals.  Jake Sully operates giant Mech Warrior fighting machines that doesn’t require the use of his legs.  The government agents promise him either new legs, money, fame, fortune to come out of retirement for one last fight.

    The marines arrive on the planet and surprise surprise, a horribly CGI rendered, homosexual, cartoon looking tribe of blue aliens are living on top of the mineral.  They have no technology, but use bows, arrows, rocks, clever traps, weird looking animals to kick the shit out of the marines.

But Alas, Sigourney Weaver comes to the rescue!  She develops a way to transfer a human mind into an alien “avatar” body.  The theory is that the person in alien body will be able to infiltrate the alien tribe and eventually lead them into a trap set by the marines horribly killing all the aliens. 

Jake Sully’s mind is transferred into an alien body and he lives with the aliens for weeks.  After planning to betray the aliens Jake Sully “goes native.”  He decides that the marines are wrong and he trains the aliens, gives them battle plans, tells them about the marines weakness, and leads them to fight the marines. 

At the end of the movie Jake Sully battles the leader of the marines with the scar on his face and ends up destroying the marine facility by blowing it up, but at the same time kills himself.  How noble, we are then reminded that global warming is bad, war is bad, and humans destroying the environment is bad. HOW LAME.

Now you know the entire story of Avatar.  Let me tell you, this movie looks absolutely horrible.  What a stupid piece of donkey crap.  The Alien CGI looks as if it was designed to please teletubby loving second graders. Sitting in the North Sea while contracting hypothermia, watching the Titanic four times would be more enjoyable than sitting through ten minutes of Avatar.   Sadly,  James Cameron has lost his way.

Avatar will be the most over-hyped flop in the history of film making.  Goodbye Waterworld, HELLO AVATAR!

        

Hello my loyal Dirtbread readers I know that I haven’t posted in a long time, but I have experienced an outrage so great that I felt forced to put down my baking tray and once again pick up my ink and quill.

The new facebook suggestion system is absolutely atrocious. Facebook needs to stop telling me how to interact with my friends. The far right side of the facebook homepage often says, “Joe Schmoe you haven’t talked on Facebook in a while, reconnect with him,” or my favorite “Sara Smith, Help Make Facebook better for her, write on her wall.” 

            I don’t tell Mark Zuckerberg how to run a billion dollar social networking website, I DON’T need him telling me how to run my friendships.  Yeah I haven’t written on Joe Schmoe’s wall in a while, NO SHIT I didn’t even want to add him to my facebook friends.  I went to elementary school with him eighteen years ago and we haven’t talked since. After keeping his friend request in limbo for three months I decided out of guilt to add him.  I don’t want to be reminded of his existence ever. I already hide his news feeds after hearing about his choice of breakfasts one too many times, but now I’m forced to be reminded of this loser’s existence constantly. Remembering this person exists brings down my mood.  Now, every time facebook makes a suggestion about writing on someone’s wall I just remove them from my facebook friends. 

The only reason Zuckerberg wants you to write on your “friends” walls is so that your “friend” will log onto facebook more often to check what you have written.  More people spending time on facebook equals more money for Mr. Zuckerdouche.  So fuck you Zuckerberg; I spend enough time on your website, don’t get greedy and stop telling me how to run my friendships.

Just remember what happens when you get too greedy, think Myspace.

 

        

One of our fellow dirtbreaders, spotalex,  made these deliciously scrumptious cakes in preparation for Lost.  I know if Daniel had the option of eating one of these cakes everyday for the rest of his life or going back in time to be killed by his own mom he would opt for the former.  Who sends their own son off to their own imminent death to be slain by their own hand by a past version of themselves? What a bitch.  I sure wouldn’t do that to my son.  That hoe needs to be slapped.  

        

I just wanted to leave you all with an inspirational image.  Bill Gates holding a Zune.  Such a beautiful thing brings  tears to one's eyes.  Clearly, its the best music player ever.  I know you all have one and see them around everywhere.

        

The end times are upon us. Animal Farm has come true.  Pigs are finally tired of being slaughtered by the millions and have decided to make us all suffer for our sins against pig-kind.  The swine of the world have conspired to make us all sick.  No one really knows what the swine flu is, but it’s apparently bad enough for all news networks to have their cover stories as SWINE FLU PANDEMIC! OMG ,WTF WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!  I heard if you eat bacon, ham or even look at a picture of a pig the wrong way you will catch swine flu.  If you say the word pig three times fast you will catch the swine flu. If you so much as read the three little pigs there is a good chance you will become infected.  If you are one of the condemned unlucky enough to catch the swine flu you may as well jump off your nearest bridge because this is the end.  You will grow hoofs, a tail and a snout.  So next time you see a pig coming at you start running the other direction and whatever you do don’t look back.



*News networks just try and scare us, don't buy into the hype.  Remember SARS and what a panic over nothing that was?

        

There is nothing better than dipping a ladle into a bread bowl filled with clam chowder.  I am on a mission to find the best clam chowder in the United States and share the results with you all. I am not even going to bother talking about the location, ambience, or service since the only thing I am interested in is the clam chowder I will begin my sea food adventure by reviewing Malibu Seafood.


The bread bowl here was excellent.  The bowl was toasted which gave it a nice crunch and the bread felt as if it had been baked that day.  My only complaint regarding the bowl was that it was a bit smaller than I would have liked which cost the bread bowl the coveted five clam rating.  The clams tasted soft and tender.  Luckily, there was no sand taste.  The biggest problem with this clam chowder was its overall density.  The chowder was far too watery.  When I place my spoon on the clam chowder it should be so thick that the spoon does not sink to the bottom of the bowl. The chowder failed this test. The poor density of the chowder nearly ruined the soup for me, but it still tasted pretty decent.  The fact that I did not need to run to the bathroom a hour after eating this meal coupled with the amazing bread bowl saved this chowder from getting two clams.  I would recommend Malibu Seafood clam chowder to those with unsophisticated clam palates

        

A lawsuit was filled in California today accusing our beloved Desmond of sexual harassment.  Apparently, Desmond loves the ladies so much he just can’t keep his hands off them.  He is trying to make up for all those years of pushing the button in the hatch by his lonesome. The lawsuit said that Desmond, “placed his hands on the buttocks of a crew member while making moaning sounds.”  The question America needs to know is what was the job that the crew member held.  Did he touch the backside of an eighteen year old intern or did he gently caress a butch lesbian grip’s behind?  Hopefully it was the former.  I promise you all in roughly four months this lawsuit will become LOST because Desmond will pay this lady a fair deal to keep her mouth shut. 

        

The one iota of excitement in my usually dreary life comes Wednesday night at 9. Even though each Lost episode creates more questions than answers I have found the whole time travel element totally fucking awesome. Back to the future meets Lost what could be better? Maybe punching Otco-mom in the face.  Lost’s websites promo for Lost said, “brand new Lost, the untold story of the oceanic 6.”  This was a blatant lie. Anyone who flipped on ABC on Wednesday night knows that episode of Lost was absolute bullshit.  Cutting together all the footage from this season with a voice over is not a new episode.  Lost usually moves so slowly that if you can’t figure out what’s going on you must have the same IQ as Ashton Kutcher.  ABC should have called Lost a re-run in their advertisements instead of dicking us loyal viewers around into thinking it’s a new episode.  I’m so pissed I may be forced to pirate next week’s episode of Lost so ABC won’t get a dime off me.  Retribution is a bitch.

        

Kings is the best show on television that you are not watching.  Kings is about America, but instead of a President we have a King.  How badass does that sound. I want a King. Watch this show on hulu trust me you will like it, unless of course you are a soulless, joyless, communist.  Kings is failing because NBC is run by insane lunatics who haven’t stepped out of the top floor of Rockefeller Center in so long they have forgotten how to market a show for success. NBC’s first moronic move is featured bellow. This poster was featured around my hometown for a few months before Kings hit the airwaves.

Mistake one; this poster made no indication of what Kings was about.  When I saw that poster I thought maybe discovery channel was airing a new documentary on homosexual butterflies.  NBC’s viral marketing tactic didn’t work.  No one gave a rat’s ass about these posters. When Kings started airing most of the country hadn’t even heard of the show. Mistake two; airing the show on Sunday night.  Sunday night is a terrible time for a new show unless the station is HBO.  HBO is the only network who can pull airing a new show on Sunday night.  Mistake three; the worst opening intro title scene ever.  The opening of Kings is a bunch of butterflies flying.  The opening is reminiscent of something you would see before Passions airs.

Mistake four; switching the show from Sunday night to Saturday night.  Sunday was a bad time to start off with, but Saturday night WTF! Who the hell watches TV on a Saturday night.  No one.  Idiotic move NBC.  They may have well taken the show out back behind the studio and shot it because that’s essentially what they were doing with that move, killing the show. Mistake five; yanking the show mid-season and airing the rest of it in June.  Now the few people who actually watch it will have to wait two months to finish the season.  This is frustrating as hell.  NBC is basically giving a one finger salute to everyone who actually now watches the show.  Thanks for nothing NBC, good job killing your own show.